On Expectation and Gratitude - A Stoic reflection on Mother's Day

My flowers? No, they were for my Mom.
But they're lovely all the same.

Yesterday morning I sat with many of my friends in the social hall following mass commiserating about what a disappointment Mother's Day is.  On a day when Mothers should feel honored and special for all that they do, all we could do was complain:

"All I want for Mother's Day is a clean house."
"All I want for Mother's Day is a nap."
"All I want for Mother's Day is for my kids to behave like human beings."
"All I want for Mother's Day is to have my kids at mass with me."

 And everyone together: "Is that too much to ask?"

I'm not sure when things changed for me. I can remember one Mother's Day, in particular, when I was crushed that my husband hadn't even gotten me a flower. The house was always a wreck. Nothing ever went as planned on Mother's Day and invariably, I was working. I think I have cried on every single Mother's Day since I was married. But this year was different.

Maybe it's the Epictetus I read earlier this year. Epictetus (c. A.D. 50-130) was a Stoic philosopher of the Hellenistic period. The Stoics believed in controlling the things that are up to us, (like our thoughts, desires and reactions,) and letting go of things that are not up to us, (like other people and things.) Epictetus would have loved the Serenity Prayer.

This plays out in a few different ways, but by and large the Stoics are known for treating everything generically - nothing is more important than anything else. If your favorite dish breaks, then you should just say, "It was just a dish." and move on. When something that belongs to you passes away from you, be it an object or a person, Epictetus tells us that we should just say "I gave it back." It's almost as if everything is on loan to you. When things come to you, you should appreciate them, but when they pass on, you have to let them go.*

That's a pretty radical position if you think about it. Epictetus takes this position to its outermost limits in The Encheiridion, saying that when you kiss your wife or your child you shouldn't think of them as "yours" but as "a wife" or "a child". That way, it won't hurt if they are lost to you.** I think this goes too far. It denies the incommunicability of the human person (the idea that every person is unique and cannot be replaced), but there are still lessons we can take from Epictetus.

One of the most important lessons Epictetus has for us is Fragment 8 - "Do not seek to have events happen to you as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well."***

Yesterday I realized that because I wasn't expecting anything for Mother's Day, I was not going to be disappointed in the way the day played out. Because of that lack of expectation, everything was a gift and I was more grateful and relaxed than I would have been had I been expecting something specific.

The nap I got, my son and his fiancee coming to Mass with us, the lovely chat with dear friends, the delicious dinner made by my youngest brother, the lovely walk with my husband in the evening --everything was beyond my control and so it came to me as what it should have been: a gift. It was something I didn't ask for but it was given freely as a token of affection.

I think that in the past, I have set my family up for failure. When I expect great things, sometimes I get them. But often times, life intervenes and makes even the best intentions fall apart at the seams. When things happen on Mother's Day like colds, Houdini-Dog escapes, or freezers being left open accidentally, our yelling and tears and hurt feelings don't change those things. They are out of our control and Epictetus would tell us that we should just let them go.

I think he might be right about that. It is definitely a much more peaceful way to celebrate the day.

Want to learn more about Stoic philosophy? Read "The Handbook (The Encheiridion) of Epictetus".

* Epictetus, The Handbook (The Encheiridion). trans. Nicholas P. White (Indianapolis: Hackett Publishing Company: 1983), 12.
** Ibid. 12.
*** Ibid. 13.

The Truth About 10 Minute Writer, Katharine Grubb - A review and interview

One warm evening last year I met Katharine Grubb in a driveway as she was making her way across the country with her family. Her brood tumbled out of the car after a long ride and began to tear across the lawn to burn off some excess energy. As we stood chatting in the fading sunset, I found out she was an author.

I had never read her books and had no idea who I was talking to until about 10 minutes into the conversation. Needless to say, I brought myself up to speed quickly.

Katharine's two books are contemporary romances and they are completely clean. I don't get to read for pleasure very often, so when I do, I like to choose my novels carefully. I loved Falling For Your Madness (a quirky novel about courtship) so I was excited to dig into The Truth About The Sky.


I finished it in about 3 hours.
Okay... I devoured it.

The Truth About the Sky is a novel about a young woman from Oklahoma who finds herself working in the family business which just happens to be religion and then ends up finding out who she is and what she's made of as her life crumbles around her ears.

The characters are engaging, and though they are Christians of varying degrees of commitment, the message of God's mercy is not shoved down the reader's throat. The beautiful descriptions each character's interior struggle to come to terms with God's love affair with each and every one of us is what makes this book sing.

If you like a good romance or even just a good story, this is a book you should read.

I got the chance to chat with Katharine right after I finished the book and asked if she'd do an interview for me. I was so thrilled that she said, "Yes!"


Why do you call yourself "10 Minute Writer"?

Back in 2006, when I had five children, ages 8 years old and under, I had a gut feeling that we were done having kids. I also had this inner pressure to do something, anything, for my own gifts and callings, since any writing goals I had when I was younger had obviously been pushed away. My iMac was conveniently located in my kitchen, and I was spending way too much time reading Mommy blogs anyway — I should try to carve out a little time to pursue my own writing dreams, but I didn’t know what they were. I decided to have a goal — ten minutes a day - to work on writing projects. Then, it got to where I was setting my timer in ten minute increments and going back and forth between writer and mom. This worked best in the afternoons when our homeschooling day was over. And I tried, I really did try, to train my kids to respect that ten minute increment. It’s been 8 years and they still don’t get it completely.

Why did you start writing?

I don’t remember ever not wanting to write stories. I remember being four years old and holding a pencil and piece of paper and my first thought was not “let’s draw a picture” but “let’s tell a story” and then I probably cried because I didn’t know how to write. If only I would have known that someday I would be able to type 100 words a minute, and this skill would serve me when I wrote in ten minute increments.

What's your inspiration to continue?

The truth is, I did this for me. I did it because I wanted to conquer my many, many fears. I did it because I knew my kids would watch me manage my time and pursue my dreams and work everybody’s needs around it. I did it because it brings me so much joy even though it is hard to make it work. It also helped a lot that I’m a wicked fast typist.

Without question, the biggest challenge I face is fear. I think that from a practical point of view, I can always find time. From a marketing point of view, I can learn how to put my books in front of people. But what I struggle with, what I’m learning how to deal with this daily, is fear. I found out, at age 45, that I’ve suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder my whole life, due to trauma from my infancy and toddlerhood. I’ve spent most of my life a breath or two away from an anxiety attack. My fear is a vague, paralyzing kind of fear that shuts me down and isolates me. (Ironically, one of God’s solutions to this fear was to bless me with a LOT of loud, obnoxious, confident kids.)

I realized that if I didn’t do something about my fear, that I would never have my dreams come true. The beauty of the ten minute increments is not only it teaches me how to manage my time, but it also coaches me to do scary things in short time periods. Can I make this phone call? Can I contact this agent? Can I rewrite this paragraph? Like every other writer, I’ve faced rejection and disappointment, but that pain of that was not nearly as bad as the pain of thinking my children were watching me. Would they see me be paralyzed by my fear or be successful in spite of it? I want them to see me as a conquerer. That’s why I do this every day.

Though the characters in The Truth About The Sky are Christians (of various levels of commitment), it's such a part of your characters' development that it doesn't seem put on or faked. In your last book, Falling For Your Madness, faith played a smaller role. This is actually one of the things I like best about your writing: you tell the story and allow the characters to be who they are. You let them become the witnesses. You show you don't tell. With all that in mind, what connection do you see between your writing and your faith?

Faith has played a big role in who I am. I think that God didn’t give me this desire to write without providing a way in which to do it. I found in the writing of both books, I had to wrestle with everything about it and God was faithful. The message of The Truth About The Sky is one of grace and I know firsthand how God pours out his mercy and grace and faithfulness to those who don’t deserve it. The writing of the book was a journey in articulating that grace and I was changed in the writing of it. Our God is a creative God and he uses the arts to call people into himself. I can’t separate who I am from that. I wouldn’t want to try.

As I got to know David Bowles in Falling For Your Madness, I knew he wouldn’t be a Bible Belt Christian like the ones in TTATS. I made his faith congruent with his other values. My next book, Soulless Creatures is even less faith-filled than the first two, but the main characters are 18 year old college students. An obvious faith doesn’t fit them at all, but that doesn’t mean deep, important issues aren’t in the book.

What's the most rewarding aspect of creating a story?

I love finding out about my characters and then putting them in a room and letting them talk. I discover more through dialogue than anything else. That’s the really fun part, in the beginning. Then, the next big, fun part is hearing from the readers. But there’s a lot of hard work — blood, sweat and tears — in between those two moments.

In your spare time, what are we likely to find you doing?

I’m a homeschooling mom of five, I’m not sure what that word, free time, means. ;) Seriously, I like to read, watch Netflix with my husband, make Tex-Mex food, and go for walks.

To pick up Katharine's books follow the links: 

The Truth About The Sky

Falling For Your Madness

And you can find her...

At her blog:  www.10minutewriter.com

On Twitter:  @10MinuteWriter

On Facebook

And she just started a Pinterest account for busy writers like her. It’s called @10MinuteNovelists

Blog Tour: Christina Weigand's "Sanctuary of the Nine Dragons"

The third book in Christina Weigand's Young Adult series, "Palace of the Twelve Pillars", was released this week, and it's a big thrill to be asked to be a part of her blog tour.

Christina Weigand’s a writer, wife, and mother of three grown children and a middle school daughter. She is also Nana to three granddaughters. She lives with her husband and youngest daughter in Pennsylvania, returning there after a short sabbatical in Washington. Currently, she’s working on fantasy novels and inspirational writing. Through her writing, she strives to share the Word of God and help people young and old to realize the love and mercy He has for everyone.

When she’s not writing, she’s active in her local Church as a lector, Bible Study, or with the church theater group, volunteering at her daughter’s school helping the children develop a love for reading and writing. Jesus fills her home with love as she shares Him through her writing.

What's it all about?

Joachim banishes Brandan to prison island of Hyogo. His infant son, Prince Airyn disappears from his cradle. A chain of events is set in motion that will pit brother against brother, friend against friend, parents against children as Brandan and Joachim struggle for control of their sanity and their very lives.

With Brandan declared dead and his son missing Joachim sinks into despair and anger, where those close to him fear he may never return.

Is Brandan really dead and if he is, who is manipulating the Mantion and enemies of Crato?

Can Maeve save her country and her husband from the tentacles of evil pervading the land?

You can order your copy and read an excerpt of the book here at MuseIt Up Publishing.