Thursday, October 16, 2008

On being a mom...

Today, I am missing my kids. I miss homeschooling them. I miss cooking and creating with them. I miss their humor and wit. I just miss them.

Don't get me wrong. I like my job. Actually, I love it. I love the people I work with. I love the field of organ building. It is fascinating! It's one of the most interesting and rewarding things I have ever done, next to raising my kids, of course. But that's just to raising my kids.

It would be different if my kids had always gone to school and been gone all day while I stayed home and read or cleaned or did some other essential of housekeeping. By now, I would be a bored housewife, looking for something to do between 9 and 3 everyday. But, that's not how it happened.

When I was pregnant, I told my husband that I didn't want a "skirt-clinger" (you know, the kid that hides behind their mother when you say "hi" to them, no matter how long you have known them). I wanted independent, confident kids who would think for themselves. I got them. And most of the time, I like them. They are smart, funny and talented.

When I was homeschooling, I got to know them very well. My kids were excelling. They learned not only about the things that you get from books, but also about the world around them. I took them with me everywhere. I took them to concerts, to museums, to church...I even took them to work with me. When the ground water in my mother's community was tapped out by the HUGE golf course wells across the road, the kids and I studied ground water. We even built a model to show what had happened to Pinka's water. In short, everything was a learning experience.

I miss those days. Now, I have to fight with them to get them to stay in school. I am told that the teachers spend most of their class time telling the kids to quiet down and not enough time teaching. I am told that the other kids play "political head games" over friendships and seating arrangements (granted: this is a normal thing in middle school and high school). I am told that they learned so much more with me, "can't you please come home?"

But, I can't. I have to work. And most days, I want to.

I am not sure why today is different, but it is.

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