Thursday, August 23, 2012


I used to think that I thrived on chaos.  I loved change and all the excitement that change brings.  But, as I have grown older, I have found that, not only do I dislike change, I fight against it.  Change throws me into hysteria. I become anxious and unreasonable.  I expect those closest to me to become clairvoyant and just to know what I need and when I need it.

It's been said that the only things certain in this life are death and taxes, and that change is the only constant thing in life.  Well, certainly, that's true, but that doesn't mean we have to like it.   Change is awful for me and especially when I have several bundled together all at once.

I've been through a whole pack of changes in the last two weeks:
  • I found out I was pregnant (at 43!) and then, once I got used to that idea, I lost the baby.  I am heartbroken about it.  We have wanted to have another child for years and have never managed to make it past week 4.  This time, we made it to week 6.
  • I found out that my daughter is expecting a baby in March.  She is 16.  I was not expecting to be a grandmother at 44.  And while I am so very pleased that God has blessed us with another addition to our family, I am still grappling with that change of status.  How do you deal with a child (who is very much still a child) who is about to be a mother in her own right?
  • We are in the middle of a rather abrupt move.  We had hoped to never move again after the last two moves put my husband in the hospital.  But, our lease is up, the landlord is trying to sell the house, and, instead of downsizing, we need a bigger house.
  • We found a house but because of the process of loans, closing, inspections, (etc, etc, etc...) we can't get into the house for at least a month.  This means that everything has to go into storage and we will have to stay with family in the interim.  The up side of this is that we're putting money away.  The down side is that we have to move everything twice in the space of a month.
  • I finally graduated from community college.  And, although I am raring to go on and finish my Bachelor's Degree, I am apprehensive about the change in programs.  Will I be good enough to get the grades I need?  Will I be able to handle all the school work and still balance my family and my job?
  • My pastor is leaving for a much deserved and much needed sabbatical and so that is changing the landscape of my job.
  • I am trying to write, but can't seem to get anything done.  And it doesn't help that, in preparation for the move, we turned off our internet access at home, so this is coming to you from the local library.
When all these things came crashing down on my head over this past week, I felt abandoned and alone.  I just feel so very, very lonely and afraid.  All of these questions, and I have no answers.  I just feel so scattered.  I know that I am supposed to be pouring my life out like a libation, but this pouring feels more like uncontrolled dumping to me!

I know what I need to do.  I need to spend some time in Adoration.  I need to make all the work that I have to do into a prayer. I need to not worry about the answers and let God handle it.  And that's my biggest failing: trying to take control away from God.

Please pray for our family.  I'll be praying for all of you, too.


  1. Katie,
    Keeping your family in my prayers. I hope that everything works out.

  2. Wow! Be assured of my prayers. You are precious in God's sight.

  3. Katie, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I cannot even begin to understand how overwhelmed you must be.feeling. I am glad that you have found a new place. Please let me know when and how I can be of assistance. In the meantime, I will keep your family in my prayers, and am sending hugs your way.

  4. It's not the number of ones failings that matter, but the number of times that you turn back towards God.

  5. We'll be praying for you Katie. And hey, I have several strapping young men to help move your house. We helped get you in there, we can help get you out.